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“Help Me, I Need My Wife Back” – 63-year old Willie takes marital anguishes to Nellie’s ‘Emotional Court’

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Life is filled with twists and turns. One day it is so perfect and the next, it is all gloomy. But these valleys, cliffs and mountains make life exciting. For some, what I call ‘excitement’ is emotional stress.

Shortly after Anne’s ‘MUTUAL POLYGAMY’ story was published, (read Anne’s Story) a 63-year old Willie called us requesting assistance to get his wife back. Willie loves and dotes at his wife. He should, because Constance, a paradigm of beauty and brains, is 47 years old – 16 years younger than her husband. For the purpose of this expose, I want to first submit Willie’s perspective in this emotional tango.

 

Willie, a widower, met ‘delectable’ Constance who was a Product Marketing Professional. Willie is cut out of the old stock of money and style. Willie is from a ‘Wealthy’ family – wealthy from every perspective and consideration. Left with four (4) children by his first love, Monique, who died after ‘a brief illness’, Willie was excited when Constance accepted to marry him.

Constance, a First Class graduate of Economics ‘worships’ as well as ‘fears’ her husband. She is not allowed to contradict him, otherwise, face financial sanctions or have some privileges denied. They have been married for about seven (7) years and have a five-year-old son, Brian who Willie loves very much. Willie’s other children from Monique are adults and live on their own. His daughter Yvonne (35) never supported her father’s choice, as she wanted her father to either marry a widow or a divorcee with children. Yvonne believes Constance married her father for his money and could not be trusted.

According to Willie, “I know she is having an affair with a younger man. I know because she no longer spends time at home with us (myself and Brian). She comes home late from work daily. When I was very sick and hospitalized, she refused to visit me at the hospital, but travelled to another state for some ‘urgent and critical official’ work. She does not come into our bedroom anymore, but complains she needs to stay up late to work…I am not a small boy, I know something is wrong. I love my wife, and I need help to get her back”.

Willie was really moist speaking with us. To show his desire to get to the bottom of this crisis of confidence and resolve issues with his wife, he gave us a number we could reach Constance on…. And we did speak with her.

Constance confessed she has emotional interests outside her matrimonial home due to “emotional abuse”. According to her, Willie always makes reference to “how much he bought the car; how much he bought my hair; how much my allowances are costing him and why I should be glad he married me in spite of pressures from his children.”

“My husband makes veiled references to my background. Yes, I come from a very humble background. Call us poor. Yes, I wanted my family to benefit from the relationship. And, Willie has been good to my family. However, constantly reminding me of these things is harassing me emotionally… I am not happy about the situation. I am not thinking divorce because my son is attached to my husband. I am an emotional wreck right now and really confused.

“I care deeply about Willie, but I am not sure I love him in the real sense of the word LOVE. For me love died with my first love, Victor, who left me for another woman. I just wanted to have a companion who was older than me and could pamper me like my late father. Willie fitted the bill, but his daily disrespect and abuse is driving me mad. I am not an illiterate…his daughter is also not helping in this regard. I had to look for ‘sanity’ elsewhere’ – my work.”

Constance decided to focus on her career and was assigned a Mentor/Coach at her office – as part of Personnel Development program by the Human Resources Department. Her Mentor/Coach, Michael (52) is divorced and lives with his three children. Michael has been a source of encouragement to Constance. Between them, personal confidences have been shared – and something ‘BIG’ is growing gradually…

Constance spoke with candor about her ‘involvement’ with Michael, but believes that she was ‘driven into another man’s arms by her husband.

In her own words: “There is no denying the fact that I find Michael attractive and fun to be with. He respects me and does not judge me. I don’t walk or stand on edge when I am with him. He is very supportive professionally and my productivity at work has really improved. He gives me a sense of emotional stability and professional confidence…. Do I love him? I don’t know…but he is definitely not a ‘fling’. I am looking at a deep friendship. One thing I am sure about is, I don’t want to stay with a man who sees me as an ACQUISITION. I thought he could change, but he gets worse each day…”

Could lack of sex be the issue? Constance says “Not really…but it is contributory. When you marry, it is for “better” or “worse”. If lack of sex is the ‘worse’ part of your marriage vows due to his health challenge, there are other ways to make up…. Sex is not everything”. However, Willie believes that his inability to make love to his wife regularly, and gradual loss of libido is a major factor…

Critical Questions: How can we help Willie and Constance regain an emotional balance? Is Michael playing a negative role in this Marriage?

Two things are clear: Willie wants his Wife back; but Constance wants her Dignity back!!!

———————————————————-

Dear Constance,

Sessions with you were emotion-laden. We appreciate your openness and honesty as you opened up on the “emotional entrapment called marriage”. We agree you have had a ‘frightful’ marriage, but it was a relationship you entered willingly.

You submitted that you did NOT MARRY FOR LOVE. That is truly sad for a well-educated young woman of 40 (when you married Willie). An African proverb says: “he who gathers ant-infested firewood should be ready for the dance’. You further admitted that you married for the money in order to help your family. These reasons led to how you were perceived by Willie and her children. You sacrificed love on the altar of self-aggrandizement and ‘family pressure’.

These reasons are enough reasons for Willie’s family members to be apprehensive of your ‘interest in poor Willie who had recently lost his beloved Monique.

Understandably, Yvonne, your stepdaughter is sensitive about the situation. Daughters have the natural tendency to be over protective of their parents – especially, their father. Thus, you need to understand Yvonne and make an effort reassure her that you truly love and care for her father (if you have eventually grown to love Willie) – to the best of you ability. This is not to suggest that you have to grovel and beg her to be on your side. Always steer the path of PEACE as there is never a bad peace.

Another issue is Communication. Despite your faulty entry into marriage with Willie, it is expected that communication channels be open. No desperate desire to be married to a wealthy man should make a wife unable to discuss issues with her husband.

Without sentiments, I hold you responsible for the accepting years of emotional abuse, emotional battery and, sometimes, physical abuse you suffered in your marriage. Your quest for ‘the elegant lifestyle of the wealthy and famous’ kept you encapsulated. Rather than make effort to free yourself via counseling, you found an ‘escape in work and Michael…” You return daily to a “mansion of agony” to traumatize Willie with jealousy. You are using Michael to satisfy your sexual needs; this is not fair to Michael who is ignorant of the situation, as you do not love him.

You cannot solve a problem by creating another. Thus, you need to:

  • Introspect and tell yourself the hard truth about your situation;
  • A marriage without love is COHABITATION. If that is what you want, accept all the abuses meted out to you because everything has a price;
  • Define your relationship with Michael to save him from your emotional tango. If you love Michael and wish to continue your undefined relationship, please be kind enough to progress dissolution of your union with Willie

When you take the right steps towards integrity, you will naturally regain your DIGNITY.

Whatever your choice, here is wishing you the best.

Yours Emotionally, Nellie Onwuchekwa

———————————————————-

Dear Willie,

Thank you for your patience and understanding throughout the ‘intrusive’ discourse on a matter so sensitive. We only wanted to get facts of the case in order to provide feedback without sentiments.

There is no doubt that you ‘love’ your wife ‘very much’ – and you want your wife back. It is, however, unfortunate that you seem to speak about your wife like a lost piece of furniture. During the sessions, you talked about “how much it cost me to marry her”, “how I have attended to all here needs, without sparing costs’, I give her anything she asks for, no matter how much it costs’, “how I have loved and taken care of her family”, etc. Little is however said to demonstrate emotional connection, commitment and attention to ensuring emotional stability of your marriage.

You admitted that Constance is ‘expected to fear’ you as a husband. You also expect her to align with you on EVERY ISSUE – irrespective of her opinion or perspective. Again, and disappointingly, three (3) years ago, you refused Constance (who has a MBA from a reputable University), not be involved in the running of your business when she offered her services – to give you the reassurance of her faithfulness. This led to her seeking paid employment elsewhere. Despite the aforementioned, you want her to be open about her official work-life.

It is important that you remember that marriage is a partnership between two people that love themselves and have committed to live together in love, respect and harmony for the rest of their God-given lives. Regardless of your claim of love for Constance, you did not show an ounce of respect for her. You repeatedly judged Constance using your late wife’s standard… “Monique would never do that” reverberated throughout the sessions with you. You cannot slaughter Constance on the altar of Monique. This is totally unacceptable and puts your wife constantly under pressure

Husbands are expected to support and encourage their wives to achieve their God-given potential. You see in Constance, your wife, a Competitor – instead of a HELP-MEET. Also, your daughter, Yvonne has a degree of influence on you. It is pertinent to point out that Constance is YOUR WIFE. Monique, no matter the virtues, is dead.

Action Steps:

  • Invite your wife and have a discussion (heart to heart); apologize in areas you know you are wrong. Accepting your mistakes is NOT as sign of weakness, rather, a show of strength.
  • Ask your wife honestly if your marriage has future – and show willingness to repair broken bridges/ridges. Listen to Constance with an OPEN HEART & MIND
  • Have a session with your daughter, Yvonne. She needs to understand you need Constance. Encourage her to focus on her marriage, while you work things out with Constance.
  • Work on the ‘challenges’ in your sexual relationship with your wife. There are ways to satisfy you both sexually – feel free to ask.
  • Upon reconciliation with Constance (God Willing), create a harmonious environment in your home and ensure your children respect YOUR WIFE!!!

NOTE: You are well aware of the age gap between you and your wife. Age, they say, is a number. However, when there are health challenges, you require love, attention, respect and understanding from your spouse to carry on. Communication is key. Do not stop communicating.

Dear Willie, separate FAMILY from your marriage. Pursue peace and tread the path of reconciliation. At 63, you need emotional stability, not crisis. You want your wife back – however, she wants her DIGNITY back!!!

All the best …and stay blessed.

Yours Emotionally,

Nellie Onwuchekwa

——————————————————-

Send your QUESTIONS and CONCERNS to NELLIE directly, click >>>

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Otu-Umuokpu Anambra USA in Houston Gets New Leadership  

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Houston – TX: The Otu-Umuokpu Anambra USA Association Inc., Headquartered in Houston, Texas, has inaugurated its new executive leadership. An election was held in November 2023 where a set of new executive leadership emerged and was officially sworn-in on February 4, 2024.

Adaeze Stella Icon Adeone Samuel ( Stainless) is now the group’s new President, whereas Adaeze Nkiruka Mbonu ( Mmili doluedo) is the  Vice President.  Former President, Adaeze Dr Maria Elioku (Nkpulunma) remains the President Emeritus. A complete list of the new executive board members will be available on the group’s website, it was gathered.

While welcoming the new leadership team, President Emeritus Dr. Elioku thanked the outgoing executives for their impeccable service during their tenure. “As we all know, our mission as Otu- Umuokpu Anambra, USA Association is to promote and uphold our welfare and culture as well as foster unity, love, and harmony among us; and I am glad that within the past years, we were able to curtail distracting challenges to uphold those values,” she said.

Otu- Umuokpu Anambra, USA Association is a community of all paternal daughters of Anambra State of Nigeria with the core mission to promote and uphold the welfare and culture of her members; and foster unity, love, and harmony among them. The group has since its inception shared the uniformity of their ancestry as a unifying tool for community development and bonding of sisterhood.

For more information about Otu-Umuokpu Anambra, USA Association, Inc., please call 832-640-6329 or click to visit their website >>>>

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Texas Woman Allegedly Killed Boyfriend With ‘Prison Shank’ After Fight

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A Texas woman was arrested last week after she allegedly stabbed her boyfriend to death with a “prison shank,” in late December.

San Angelo police first spoke to Ebony Gasca after her boyfriend Jermaine Johnson was found suffering from multiple stab wounds . When police arrived at the scene on December 26, Johnson was “sitting in an upright position struggling to breathe,” at the end of a residential driveway.

He was subsequently taken to a hospital where he died from his injuries , according to KLST .

Gasca told detectives that she and Johnson got into an argument while they were driving to a Dollar General. The argument was initially verbal but escalated when Johnson allegedly hit Gasca in the face.

“The defendant in return struck the victim in his face with an open hand,” the court documents said of Gasca’s response, according to KLST.

Surveillance footage from the store shows the two arriving at the business but whether they argued was unclear from the video.

The two continued arguing at the store and on the way home, with Johnson allegedly taking Gasca’s phone out of her hands and refusing to return it. When the pair got out of the car, Gasca told detectives that she put a homemade “prison shank” in her pocket, KLST reported.

Gasca alleges that when she tried to get her phone back from her boyfriend he put her in a chokehold – at which point, she stabbed him twice, until he let go. She later told police that at one point Johnson hit her on the head with her phone – during an examination she had a lump on her head and her phone was damaged, according to KLST.

Neighbor Shevetra Mathis told investigators that she observed the altercation from inside her residence. Mathis filmed part of the argument, revealing that Johnson took off his clothing while yelling and being aggressive towards Gasca. The segment of the argument that Mathis filmed did show any physical violence between the two.

Mathis told detectives that she grabbed a knife and exited the residence when she saw Johnson put Gasca in a chokehold. The neighbor allegedly stabbed Johnson in the chest and left the scene without calling law enforcement, according to KLST.

Neither woman contacted the police but Gasca did make other phone calls, to a friend and to Johnson’s brother. Jaclyn Graves said that Gasca called and admitted to stabbing Johnson twice before leaving the scene. Gasca then arrived at Graves’ apartment and changed her clothing before Graves drove Gasca back to the scene.

Gasca also called Johnson’s brother six times before he called her back and she told him stabbed Johnson after a fight, KLST reported.

Detectives say there was no evidence of Gasca having any type of deep-tissue bruising or any abrasions that were visible to the naked eye. Johnson’s body, however, had several abrasions, gashes and stab wounds.

A warrant for Gasca’s arrest was issued on January 4 and she was booked on a murder charge on January 19. Her bond was set at $500,000.

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11 Black history facts to commemorate Black History Month

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From Harriet Tubman to Martin Luther King Jr., learn more about the luminaries and events that shaped the past and continue to define the future.

Each year from Feb. 1 to March 1, Black History Month is recognized in the U.S.

Set aside to commemorate the many contributions and accomplishments of Black Americans, the observation provides an opportunity to spotlight the sacrifices, heritage and luminaries that helped shape our country’s history.

What initially began as a week near a century ago, became a month-long celebration in 1976 when President Gerald Ford officially decreed Black History Month an official observation.

How that recognition evolved is one of many Black History facts you may not already know, but it’s instrumental in how we recognize Black History Month today.

There are also many other details you may or may not be aware of. For instance, you’re probably aware that Harriet Tubman was responsible for saving the lives of countless enslaved persons through the Underground Railroad. But did you know that after enlisting in the Civil War, Tubman was also the first Black woman to lead an armed military operation in the U.S.?

Read on to learn more about Tubman’s contributions, along with facts about other notable figures like Rosa ParksMartin Luther King Jr. and Carter Woodson.

You’ll also find details on the National Museum of African American History and Culture, who the first Black American to win an Academy Award was, which legendary Black musicians were among the first inductees of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and many other notable facts to honor and commemorate Black History Month this year.

Black History Month began as a week

Black History Month began as merely a week back in 1926 thanks to the efforts of one man: Carter G. Woodson. A scholar and teacher, Woodson was the second Black American to receive a Ph.D. from Harvard among many other academic achievements.

Woodson believed that Black history was largely ignored in education, saying that African American contributions were “overlooked, ignored, and even suppressed by the writers of history textbooks and the teachers who use them,” according to the NAACP.

Aiming to change that, Woodson launched Negro History Week in 1926 to honor and highlight the contributions of Black Americans, choosing the second week of February to align with the birthdays of Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln.

The annual commemoration would eventually evolve into the month-long celebration that we now know as Black History Month.

President Gerald Ford established Black History Month

During America’s Bicentennial celebration in 1976, U.S. president, Gerald Ford, extended what was, then, Black History Week into a month-long recognition.

In a message delivered on Feb. 10, 1976, Ford officially designated the observation, urging citizens to join him in tribute to Black History Month, citing the message of “courage and perseverance” it brings.

“Freedom and the recognition of individual rights are what our Revolution was all about. They were ideals that inspired our fight for Independence: ideals that we have been striving to live up to ever since,” Ford said in his message and called on citizens to “seize the opportunity to honor the too-often neglected accomplishments” of Black Americans.

Thurgood Marshall was the first Black American appointed to the Supreme Court

Though the U.S. Supreme Court was officially established in 1789, it would be nearly 180 years before a Black American was appointed as one of the justices.

On Aug. 30, 1967, Thurgood Marshall was confirmed by the U.S. Senate, becoming the first Black person to serve on the nation’s highest court.

Nominated by President Lyndon B. Johnson, Marshall served on the Supreme Court for 24 years before retiring in 1991.

Aside from Marshall, the other two Black Americans to serve on the Supreme Court are current Justices, Clarence Thomas and Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Two U.S. museums honor Black history, culture and heritage

The National Museum of African American History and Culture in Washington, D.C., is a national museum exclusively dedicated to documenting the life, history and culture of African American citizens.

Boasting a collection of more than 40,000 artifacts, the museum is part of the Smithsonian Institution and was dedicated, fittingly, by the U.S.’s first Black president, Barack Obama, on Sept. 24, 2016.

The recently-opened International African American Museum in Charleston, South Carolina also recognizes the heritage and traditions of African Americans and their experience through art, language, music, food and more.

The first Black person to win an Oscar was…

In 1940, actor Hattie McDaniel became the first Black person to be nominated for — and win — an Academy Award for her performance as “Mammy” in the film “Gone with the Wind.”

Appearing in more than 300 films, it was her supporting role in the classic 1939 movie that earned McDaniel an Oscar plaque (statuettes wouldn’t become the norm until a few years later) for the honor.

Though the achievement was history-making, McDaniel and her guest were still required to sit separate from the other nominees as part of the still-enforced segregation. And despite the accomplishment, it would take more than 50 years for another Black woman to take home a trophy. A distinction that goes to Halle Berry, who won an Oscar for her role in “Monster’s Ball” in 2002.

Part of MLK’s ‘I Have a Dream” speech was improvised

The galvanizing speech given by Martin Luther King Jr. on the steps of the Lincoln Monument in 1963 goes down in history as one of the most memorable of all time.

Known as the “I Have a Dream” speech, King’s address in front of more than 250,000 people gathered together for the March on Washington didn’t initially include some the historic passages that have since come to define the Civil Rights Movement.

In fact, some of King’s most iconic quotes came unscripted after gospel singer, Mahalia Jackson, encouraged King to tell the crowd about “the dream,” leading him to improvise that portion of the speech, according to the National Constitution Center.

Chuck Berry, Sam Cooke and others are among the first ever inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has been honoring legendary musicians and performers since it was established in 1986.

Luminaries from the first class of trailblazers inducted into the Hall of Fame include the following performers: Chuck Berry, James Brown, Ray Charles, Sam Cooke, Fats Domino, Robert Johnson, Little Richard and Jimmy Yancey.

The first woman inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? Aretha Franklin in 1987.

Juneteenth was declared a federal holiday in 2021

On June 17, 2021, President Joe Biden officially established Juneteenth National Independence Day as a federal holiday, the first since Martin Luther King Jr. Day was designated as a federal holiday back in 1983.

Juneteenth commemorates June 19, 1865, the day that legalized slavery officially ended in Texas, the last of the Confederate states to abolish the practice.

Though the holiday wasn’t made official until 2021, Juneteenth has been commemorated in the U.S. and countries around the world for decades and represents Black citizens’ fight for equality, as well as honoring family and community.

Rosa Parks refused to give up her bus seat because she was ‘tired of giving in’

Activist Rosa Parks is best known for her role in the Montgomery, Alabama Bus Boycott in 1955. Refusing to move to the back of the bus, as was customary for Black citizens, Parks sat in one of the front seats typically reserved for white passengers.

As a result, Parks was arrested, sparking a year-long boycott of the Montgomery bus system, which ultimately led to the desegregation of public transportation nationwide.

In the years since, some have suggested Parks refused to sit in the back of the bus simply because she was tired after work, a fact Parks refuted in her 1992 autobiography saying:

“People always say that I didn’t give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn’t true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in.”

Harriet Tubman was the first Black woman to serve in the military

Known for helping enslaved persons escape and gain their freedom in through the Underground Railroad, it might be less known that Harriet Tubman also served for the Union Army during the Civil War which lasted from 1861 to 1865.

Working as a nurse, scout, spy and soldier, Harriet Tubman is considered the first Black woman to actively serve in the military, according to the National Women’s History Museum.

After serving in the war, Tubman helped raise money for freedmen along with joining Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton in their fight for women’s rights.

Vermont was the first state to ban slavery, Mississippi the last

Known for its sleepy towns and breathtaking scenery, Vermont is also the first state in the American colonies to outright ban slavery. On July 2, 1777, Vermont’s legislature voted to not only abolish the practice, but also secure voting rights for Black men.

In subsequent years, other eastern states followed including Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island.

After a clerical error in which Mississippi failed to ratify the 13th Amendment that abolished slavery in 1865, the state became the last in the U.S. to officially abolish slavery in February of 2013 148 years after Congress passed the initial resolution.

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